As I slowly pick through the rubble of my sub conscious, I realize a truth to me, a truth to my core.
Somewhere in the last few years, my belief of the world has shaken and some part of it
has imploded. I carried a belief that tied into my self-confidence and esteem.
The belief that there was good in the world, a certain positive spin to the world and a driving thought that made me believe that ‘if you do good, good things happen to you’.
There comes a time, where life can be, in simple terms, a real bitch. It starts falling apart and the only thing you hold on to is the belief that you have tied yourself to.
When everything materialistic fell apart and my pseudo sense of image disappeared, it never bothered me, because it was all too logical. For every action and there is always a reaction.
Among all the good things I believed in, “Love” was the strongest.
Why love, because it is intangible. Its a drug or even a mental state that can push an individual to reach his/her potential. A ‘trip’ that could last a life time, the perfect equation which can never be reverse engineered. A solved state of life.
For years I believed that one fine day, if I believed hard enough and never hurt anyone with a deceptive feeling of attachment, someone will walk into my life and give it a purpose beyond the realm of this materialism. But I forgot, that there are no rules and just like everything else, love too is uncertain.
Somebody actually did walk into my life. It felt unbelievable, almost like magic, but just like it came, it disappeared .
She got very close but couldn’t reciprocate my feelings.
It felt as if she stole something from me and for some odd reason I had no idea on how to get it back or in other words, that has been my perception for the better part of this year.
Its made me depressed and suicidal and I actually for the first time in my life had to reach out for professional help.
As time moves on and my head gets clearer, I realized that she didn’t steal anything, but because I believed in the concept of love so much, that I went ‘all in’, and lost. As a result, just like high unwanted voltage can overload circuitry in an electronic device, my whole emotional network got overloaded. And, in my case, there weren’t any safety nets. Even a hard reset wasn’t going to reboot me because it burnt a few parts of my soul and broke my belief.
There is a saying, “To fall in love is lucky and to be loved is even luckier” . But no one tells you that to fall in love is the toughest thing to do and to lose out in love is the hardest thing you crash into.
Its been a real struggle and in all honesty its taken all my strength to stand up again, but unfortunately I don’t know which direction to walk in.
I just don’t know what to believe in anymore.