As I contemplate the idea of moving forward and making my way out of this dark hole, I have come to realize that a good part of my core is missing.
I as a person always chose to be reliable and found my strength in being a support. Over the past year, my actions have been leaning towards self destruction.
I have truly lost the gift of looking at things from a different, and a positive perspective. I couldn’t really put myself back together, which resulted in me losing control over my own conscious self. It felt like a dead state, where I could see everything happen but I was stuck in a mind space where I just gave up and let things go on as they were.
Questioning my own intent of being a support to myself and others, has been getting in my way of being who I truly am and I have finally isolated the reason for becoming what I have. Somewhere down the line, embarrassment and being “hurt” have short circuited my very nature. And in this case its like fighting a war on two fronts. The chances of winning are close to nothing.
Being embarrassed has always been able to give me space to grow up a little more but being hurt has always been a deteriorating factor to my growth process.
The pull and tug between these two extreme feelings have made me useless, very unreliable and a self sabotaging individual.
After comprehending all of this, I come to understand that I can’t jump to what I was in an instant.
It’s going to take rebuilding but the difference now is that I have an idea of where to start.
Using ’embarrassment’ as a tool to sharpen my resolve and using ‘progress’ as a way of deteriorating this feeling of ‘hurtfulness’, should result in improving and sustaining my self reliability, over time making me strong enough to become the support and the pyramid of strength that I used to be.
And so its time to get out of this bind, and take my first step forward !
Do wish me luck !