It’s strange that even after months of not being close to her, I still dream about her.
Last night I saw her in my dreams, talking to her again. I could feel myself clench while I spoke to her and I think I can attribute this to being miserable without her.
One of the things as humans we forget to understand is misery in its true form. The best way I can define it, is the want of feeling a certain way but knowing that if you did, only makes your insides grow toxic. It’s the place between want and need. A place where you’re stuck in between living life by facing reality vs. living superficially knowing it will always remain a dream that’s meant to be broken.
One of the reasons we are miserable is because it’s driven by some sort of guilt and the worst of them are the ones when someone actually convinces us that we are not good enough. And I think all of us at some stage fall because of that. Some of us never wake up and live our lives in a state of trance knowing that it isn’t of any use. Some of us cut our own lives short and some of us lose our sanity trying to figure out what’s wrong with us.
The ones who make it through, realise that the guilt was never their’s to carry in the first place because they never were perfect, to begin with.
Perfection is defined in being flawed and not in symmetry. Perfection is defined by the consistency you exhibit when you evolve in a state of being aware.
Perfection is how you look at yourself in the mirror.
I always wondered why I felt that I was still being watched even though I was termed imperfect, unattractive and “ugly”. Was feeling pity for myself a way to send out a message and ask the question ‘why?’. Did we actually have a connection? Did I think that she still felt for me? And then it hit me.
Heck, I was never perfect and so I am not guilty of anything.
All this time I thought it was all about me but in actuality, it’s probably her and maybe it always has been.